Not So Bad
by Anikka
Summary: Lots of Angst and sadness. A sort of challenge fic from Jade


  
  


Disclaimers : As much as I'd really, really, like too, I do not own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters. Everything belongs to who ever created it ... I'd go look it up but I'm too tired right now and I'm sure that all of us adoring fans would rather imagine that the G-Boys were real people and not just phigments of someone's imagination. .... *sigh*, I need a better life. 

Author's Notes : Hello all. Now, this is my very, VERY first attempt at yaoi fan fiction. It's not graphic, just shonen ai. I promise. I got the idea for it when I was listening to Eminem's Stan. And you know that means its going to be good ;p Some day I will probably look back at this and see how horrible it is, but for now, I really like it. I think I made a decent first start. Oh yeah, big thanks go out to Jade for her help! Konnichiwa Jade-chan!!! Sugoi!!! This fic was sort of like a challenge from her, I have to make her cry. 

Warnings : Dark, angsty, abuse, bastardization, Yaoi.   
  


  
NOT SO BAD   
**Written by [Anikka][1] **

_  
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..   
got out of bed at all   
The morning rain clouds up my window..   
and I can't see at all   
And even if I could it'll all be gray,   
but your picture on my wall   
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,   
it's not so bad..   
  
- Stan   
Eminem (chorus sung by Dido)_

I should have noticed that something was wrong. When you become obsessed with a person, when all you want in your life is just to hear the sound of their voice or stand next to them just so you can smell their cologne, this was the sort of thing that should have been fairly obvious. But I couldn't help him, lest I risk revealing my secret. I was too afraid of rejection. 

Wufei, Quatre, and I had just returned from a mission ; everything had gone the way it was supposed to. OZ had been prepared for us, but it wasn't anything that we couldn't handle. Our Gundams always came through when we needed them. Sometimes I wonder if those suits are actually alive, like guardian spirits that protect us in battle. My Gundam had taken some damage from a line of mobile dolls and needed repairs. But right now, I am so tired ; all I want to do is crawl into bed. 

*And dream about him.* 

My sub conscience teased me mercilessly. It was a pushy little bastard, but it was right. It was always right. When I'm all alone, all I can think about is him ; what it would be like to hold him, to touch him, to have him touch me. I imagine that he has impossibly soft skin, like the finest velvet. And that hair. I could die happily right now for the chance to have those silken strands wrapped around my fingers. 

I involuntarily make a face to myself when I'm sure that the other two weren't looking. *Note to self : Stop thinking so poetically. The other guys will see that stupid expression on your face.* 

I quickly regained my composure before either of my companions could see that something was troubling me. They couldn't know. No one could know. Not even him. 

As we enter our current safe house, a peculiar silence greets us. Something within the house seems to have changed. It was difficult to pin point, but something in the atmosphere was off. No, wait. There was a sound. Clacking. 

"Heero and Duo must be back from their mission," Quatre chirped happily. It was so rare that we were all together in the safe house at once. 

Usually at least one of us was out on a mission. My Arabian friend loved to have us all together, if even just to sit around and watch television. He claims that every once and a while, even *we* had to act like normal teenagers. And Quatre was not someone that one could easily turn down. When he wanted to do something, even Heero Yuy and his death glare were hard contested against the blonde and his pout. 

Quatre called out to Heero and Duo, to announce their safe return, but the continuous tapping of computer keys would not relent. Apparently, Heero wasn't ready to give up on his work just yet. We were, however,greeted by an energetic Duo Maxwell, who bounded into the room when Quatre called. 

My heart just about exploded out of my chest. 

The sight that presented itself to us was absolutely horrific. Duo's left eye was every shade of purple and blue, nearly swollen shut. There were more bruises on his face and up his arms, which were accompanied by various cuts and scrapes. His priestly garb, which I had never seen him wear with anything but pride, was now wrinkled and disheveled, even ripped in one spot on his left arm. The worst part of it, the most blasphemous thing I'd ever seen in my entire life, was his braid. That beautiful work of nature was tattered and frayed at the end. Bits of hair stuck out in every direction, and it no longer held the luminous quality that came from Duo's careful maintenance. 

There stood Shinigami before me ; battered and broken. 

"Kisama! What the hell happened to you Maxwell?" Wufei asked bluntly. The Chinese youth rarely showed any concern for the rest of us, but I could see that even he looked shocked at Duo's appearance. 

"Nothin' Wu-man! The mission was just a little more difficult than we expected." 

He was lying. That jester's mask which Duo always held so firmly in place was up now, but I could see right through it. Duo's eyes always gave him away. There was something within those violet depths that betrayed his true emotion. The usual spark that Duo carried with him was gone ; it had been for a long time. I wanted to say something to him. Anything. I wanted to ask what had really happened to him, why he was lying to his friends, but I couldn't. My damned nerves forbade me to even look at Duo directly. Every time I spoke to him I sounded like a fool, stuttering and tripping over my words. I hated the fact that he could destroy my confidence so easily, yet at the same time, I loved him for it. 

"Duo-kun, you must have gotten knocked around quite a bit in Deathscythe, ne? That's a nasty black eye." Quatre carried on the conversation in the face of awkward silence. Good old Quatre. 

"Yeah. Those damned mobile dolls are really starting to piss me off." 

He laughed. I love Duo's laugh. It always sparkles with some intangible cheerfulness that forces everyone around him to smile. But there was a sadness to his laugh tonight. I frowned, watching Shinigami out of the corner of my eye. 

What could have happened to make Death loose his spirit? 

"Trowa?" 

Hearing my name, I suddenly snapped out of my inner monologue to find the other three had focused their attention on me. Confused, I simply blinked at them. 

"..." 

"What's the matter Tro-chan?" Quatre asked me, "You look so ... sad." 

*Do I??!! Uh oh, I have to hide my feelings better, they can't find out. They just can't.* 

"Ne Trowa-kun, daijoubu desu ka?" Duo is smiling at me. I think I'm having a heart attack. 

"I'm fine," was my generic response as I dared to look Duo in the eye, "Just a little tired." 

The braided one grinned back at me with that trademark cheekiness only Duo could show, the usual sparkle of life momentarily returning. It was at this moment that I could feel the blood rushing to my face, burning in the veins just underneath my skin. Crap, I think I'm blushing. 

"I'm going to go to bed," I said quickly, excusing myself from the others so they wouldn't see the crimson on my face, "Oyasumi minna." 

"Sleep well Tro-chan," Quatre replied cheerfully. 

Wufei simply nodded at me and went into the kitchen. I knew that he wasn't trying to be rude or anything, that's just the way he was, and we all knew that. Duo, on the other hand (who was still grinning like the beautiful idiot he was), waved to me, said something about pleasant dreams, and then bounced after the Chinese pilot into the kitchen in search of food. His braid swung gracefully behind him, reminding me of a cat's tail. 

*Good night Duo.* 

I left the small common room and headed down the narrow, dark hallway to my own bedroom, eager for a good night's rest. I need sleep. After all, that's when I get to be with him. At the end of the hallway I see a dim light coming out of one of the rooms. Heero's bedroom. 

*Doesn't he ever shut that damned laptop down?* 

My room is across from his, so I suppose I can look forward to another night of computer clacking. Great. Just great. I don't understand Heero. It's hard to imagine anyone being so devoid of human emotion as he seems to be, but the evidence is right there in front of me. The perfect soldier was always surrounded by his concrete walls. With electrified barbed wire. And a moat. Filled with boiling lava. Nothing seemed to be able to penetrate the Japanese boy's emotional defenses ; not even the beautiful American's affections. 

*... Duo.* 

It was no secret to any of us that Duo had feelings for Yuy. If there was one thing Shinigami was not known for, it was subtlety. He had made his intentions for Heero known quite clearly by his behavior around the other boy. Groping in public was usually a pretty good sign that someone was interested. As long as I've known him, Duo has only had eyes for Heero. 

But Heero just didn't seem to react to any of Duo's advances. The persistence by which he was pursued did not phase the perfect soldier one bit. It was as if Duo was trying to scale a mountain that just kept getting higher and higher with no hope of ever reaching the top. Heero must feel something. He has to. Somewhere within that barren soul there has to be at least a twinge of human emotion. He must feel something ; he can't be completely empty, can he? 

"Trowa." 

I was a bit surprised that Heero acknowledged my presence. He didn't look up from his computer, but he had stopped typing. He was probably wondering what I was doing. Just standing there, watching him like he was the subject of some nature special. Personally, I can't really say that I have anything against Heero. He's never done anything to me personally, and I do have a great deal of respect for him as a Gundam pilot and a soldier. 

But still, I hate him. 

How could I not? Anyone would be a fool to reject the love of Duo Maxwell. The braided boy was in love with Heero, something that was painfully obvious even to me. Shinigami was his second shadow. Always by his side ; talking to him, touching him, trying desperately to be noticed by the one person which matters to him the most. But Heero didn't seem to care about anything but the mission. Sometimes, when I look Heero in the eyes, I see nothing. Just a blank, empty void. Dead eyes. 

"Hai?" I answered him with as much indifference as I can muster in the face of my raging jealousy. Why must Duo waste his time here? 

"I take it your mission was completed successfully," was the mechanical response. 

"Hai," I repeated, and then added, "Quatre and Wufei are in the kitchen. Wufei will give you the report later." 

"Understood." 

And with that he started typing away again. This was a signal that Heero was no longer interested in you and the conversation was over. In retrospect, I should have just left it at that and gone back to my room. Yet there was something inside of me that forbade it and spurred me forward, a nagging suspicion that I could not get rid of. 

"What happened to Duo?" 

My question had really gotten his attention, and moments later I found myself on the receiving end of a particularly nasty death glare. Heero was like any animal ; he could smell fear. And though I have no problems with lions and tigers, Heero Yuy scared the shit out of me, as he did to most other people. But I would never admit it. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. 

It was a simple question really, that only required a simple answer. But Heero Yuy never did anything simply. 

"Nothing," he spat at me venomously, a little too venomously for my liking, "There were more mobil doll suites than anticipated. The baka was careless. That's all." 

*Liar.* 

"Then how come Duo is so beat up but you barely have a scratch on you?" 

Heero stood and approached me. Now he was close, dangerously close. Immediate killing range close. Crud, he looks really angry. I struggled to maintain my mask of indifference, but I knew that there was emotion in my eyes. 

"Mind your own business Barton," he growled, "It's none of your concern." 

"I think I'm going to make it my concern," I replied simply, "Duo is my friend too." 

"Omae o korosu." 

Dead eyes suddenly sprung to life with anger which I had never seen before. The death glare had become so narrowed and precise that I feared it may have eaten right through me had I looked directly at it. Somewhat like an eclipse. Heero did not say anything in response, but seemed to be tensing up, almost as if he were going to attack me or something. I wouldn't have put it past him either. 

It was then that I had the good sense to leave Heero slammed his door behind me as soon as I stepped out of his room, and the force by which it was done startled even me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I think I really pissed him off. 

*Good. He's a bastard anyway. Duo would be better off without him.* 

"Better with me," I mumbled to myself out loud as I silently closed the door to my room.   
  


  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  


"Damned Golden Grahams." 

I absolutely hate it when I open up a cereal box and find nothing but dust left in the bottom. I hate it even more when people put the box back in the cupboard when they know it's empty. Tomorrow I may have to kill Wufei ; I know he's the only one besides me who likes Golden Grahams. 

"Damned Wufei." 

Dumping the cereal dust into the garbage, I absently start to wander back to my room. I'm not sure what time it is, one o'clock, maybe two, but I just can't go to sleep. It's not that's I can't sleep, I don't want to. Usually I have delightful dreams about Duo and myself, but tonight .... 

I had a horrible nightmare about him. He and I were sent on a mission, and things went badly. Deathscythe was nearly destroyed, and I had held a bleeding and dying Duo in my arms. He looked up at me, those violet depths gleaming wickedly, and said to me in a raspy voice that he would never love me. That he would never feel for me what I felt for him. I shot up in bed, covered in a cold sweat, only to find myself crying. I had been crying in my sleep. Crying for my beautiful Shinigami who could not love me. 

Such a vision was not something that I was eager to relive. It's hard to say why my sub conscience would play such a cruel joke. Perhaps it was an omen of things to come, but I don't take such things seriously. There was no way my mind could predict something like that. Still ... could Duo ever love me? Could he ever have the same kind of devotion to me as he had for pursuing the perfect soldier? 

Not likely. 

I shuffle quietly through the hall back to my room, as not to disturb any of the other pilots. I can't hear the clacking from Heero's room anymore, which means that he finally went to bed. If I wanted to go to sleep, I'd have peace and quiet at last. Too bad for those raging, traumatizing nightmares, ne? 

There's a sound, coming from one of the bedrooms. I don't know what it is, and my pilot's instincts are kicking in as a reach for my gun, kept tucked in my pants at all times. It's coming from .... Duo's room. Forgetting about the gun, stand just outside Shinigami's room, debating whether or not to go in. It could just be Duo. It could just be nothing, and my ears are playing tricks on me. Still, when it came to the braided one, I took no chance. 

Reaching shakily for the door knob, I grasped the cold steel in my hand and turned it slowly. For a brief, fleeting moment, my mind was screaming at me to just turn around and go back to bed. This was none of my business, I shouldn't get involved. But as quickly as it came, it was gone. I didn't want to just barge in on him, so I opened it as quietly as I could. 

And there sat Duo. His figure was silhouetted against the pale moonlight which glimmered softly against the cool glass of the window paine. Blankets were strewn in every direction, making it impossible to determine where the floor ended and the bed began. Within this nest of silken sheets was Shinigami. Clothed in only what I presumed to be sweat pants, his knees were drawn to his chest and arms encircled around them, chin resting delicately on top. He looked positively angelic in the silvery haze of the moon. 

But something was wrong 

His slender, wiry frame was racked with gentle sobbing, and I now realize that this was the sound that had drawn me here in the first place. It was hard to tell, but I was sure that those were tears streaming down Duo's battered face. What am I sure of, however, is that the bruises on Duo's body were not just limited to his face and arms ; they covered his back and I'm sure the chest as well. The site before me was just so ... so wrong. Shinigami had become a fallen angel. 

"Duo ...." 

The sound whispered from my throat, and I was scarcely sure I had said it at all. The name seemed to be choked out, as if I were afraid to say it, because in truth, I was. I was intruding upon his privacy, something deeply personal that I'm sure he probably never wanted anyone to see. I had never seen Duo cry before. Not really unusual, I suppose, considering that with the exception of Quatre, I hadn't seen any of the others cry either. But watching Duo cry, it was heart breaking. Death wasn't supposed to cry. 

When he heard me calling to him, his head snapped up and he stared at me with wild, frightened eyes. The sobbing stopped abruptly, but his body was still trembling. Duo reached for his blanket with a quick, jerky motion and promptly covered his back. I tried so hard to keep my impassive expression firmly in place, but I failed miserably. Emotion flashed all over my face. 

"What are you doing here Trowa?" he demanded, not so much in anger, but forcefully nonetheless. 

"....." 

What was I doing here? What did I hope to accomplish by coming to him? I didn't answer him with words, but I went to his bed, very slowly as not to frighten him, and sat down on the edge next to him. Duo skitted away from me a little, unsure of just what exactly I was doing. 

"He did it, didn't he?" 

I knew it from the moment I had walked in the door and had to look at the bruises on the beautiful American's face. I knew it when I was in his room, accosted by the death glare and Yuy's dead, lifeless eyes. I knew it when I saw Duo sitting on his bed, crying himself to sleep. There was a part of me that didn't want to believe it, that didn't even think Heero was capable of such a monstrous act. But here sat the proof, broken and crying. 

"You don't know what you're talking about," he shot back at me, louder than he ought to have lest he risk waking the other three, "It's not so bad. You don't know anything about it Trowa. Leave it alone. Onegai?" 

"I can't Duo. He hurt you." 

Against all better logic, I reached out slowly, and tentatively brushed one finger just below his black eye, wiping away a stray tear. He flinched under my touch, but I didn't let that stop me. I had to show him why. I had to show him I cared. I inched a little closer, and this time he did not try to move away, though he would not look me in the eye. 

"...Trowa," he choked out with another sob, fresh tears brimming in his violet depths, "Don't ... please don't ..." 

I ignored him. I had to. Closing my eyes, I let my fingers slide carefully over the blue bruised skin around his eye, and down along the cheek bone ; lingering on the soft, delicate skin. It was so soft. My fingers memorized every part of his face, every little beautiful detail that made Duo Maxwell. I traveled a little further, along the jaw line, down to the chin, and back up to his lips. They rested there for a long time, just savoring the feeling of the pale flesh. I opened my eyes again, and found Duo's lavender ones, glistening with moisture, gazing back at me helplessly. 

"Tell me Duo," I said softly, pressing my forehead against his, " ....please tell me." __

// "I said lie down Duo." 

"Oi Heero, no more. I can't do anymore."// 

My finger was back on his cheek, gliding gently up and down the bruised surface, caressing every millimeter of skin. It was warm, though he was still shivering. He seemed so lost ; a helpless little child who needed to be protected. The crying continued, and his body shook violently with the force of it. 

// "DO IT!" 

"No, Heero! Stop it, you're starting to scare me." 

"I'm only doing this for your own good. You belong to me Duo, remember that. I own you." 

The fist came fast, sending blinding pain shattering through Duo's brain. He grasped at his eye, screaming out at the pain. // 

Duo practically flung himself at me, wrapping his battered arms around my neck tightly, as if he were afraid I'd disappear if he let go. He buried his head into my chest as he cried and cried. I stroked his hair lightly, afraid to get those chestnut strands and more tangled then they already were. I hushed at him, whispering soothingly, trying to calm his frazzled nerves. __

// "Heero!" 

"SHUT UP!" 

He grabbed Duo by the wrist and twisted it painfully as he slapped him hard across the face with the back of his hand. Duo cried out, but his voice left him when all of the air was forced out of his lungs by Heero's knee. The other boy hit him again, and again, in the face, the arms, and the chest. Duo screamed, but no one could hear him. He felt Heero's strong hands lift him up by the collar of his shirt and throw him backwards, and his spine smashed painfully against the steel of the bed. 

"Please stop ...."// 

Outside the sky had grown heavy with dark storm clouds, which were beginning to block that perfect moon. Distantly, thunder began to rumble menacingly, and rain was sure to follow. He looked up at me again and I cradled his face in my hands. The emotion in his eyes was terrifying ; he was so scared, and I became scared for him. I think that at some point I had started crying as well, as a tear splashed down onto Duo's forehead. 

"Tell me ..." I repeated gently, encouraging him to let whatever terrible things that bastard had down come out into the open, "It's al right Duo ... please tell me what happened." __

//Duo cracked his eyes open painfully, only to see the figure of the perfect soldier looming over him imposingly. 

"You can't survive without me Duo. You can't eat, sleep or breath without me." 

The braided boy cringed as the steel toed boot smashed into his shin. 

"I love you." // 

"... Heero did it." 

The words were forced, like it pained him to say so, but I knew what he was trying to say. I wouldn't let him near Duo ever again. Not my Duo. We sat in silence, just holding each other. That's what we both needed ; the comfort of another warm body. To know that someone else cared. He spoke again, the last I would here out of him that night. His tone was so distant, distracted almost, but their was a fierce conviction within them. And I knew he meant what he said. 

"I loved him Trowa ... I loved him."   
  
  


** ~~Owari~~**

  
  


Foot Notes : Waaaahhhh! What did you think? Like it? Hate it? Couldn't be more indifferent? Lemme know, ne? If I get a good response, I have a thought for a sequel. But if it's not wanted, I won't write it. E-mail me at [anikka@gundamwing.net][1] Cooments, critisism and flames are all welcome!! 

Hey Jade-chan, sad enough for you???

   [1]: mailto:anikka@gundamwing.net



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